Broken Bridges

2012-10-15 11.23.03

Summer of 98…I was only twelve years old when I had my first big crush, the prince charming! It was so magical. It was just from one glance.

That night, I couldn’t sleep thinking about those few moments, those eyes. I spent the best four days of my life around him.

Although we didn’t talk to each other, but I felt that all I had to say was said just by a simple look. He was so beautiful that I had to deal with the competition around me. I kept this crush for years in my heart.

We couldn’t meet again but I always knew how he was doing from a common cousin. She talked about him almost all the time. They couldn’t bare each other, she always complained about him. They were always on fight.

Till the day I found out that they got engaged. I didn’t seem to be surprised because I guess I knew deep down inside of me that this will happen. The way they acted was so obvious that they are in love.

It was my cousin that brought me this fact. And I know that she got hesitated so many times before telling me because she was aware that once upon a time I had a summer crush for him.

At the first instinct, I felt jealous but surprisingly I felt so happy for both of them. After all, they were a perfect match from the beginning.

I congratulated her with all my heart and support. She seemed so relieved from my reaction. I didn’t seem to be bothered at all maybe because almost nine or ten years have passed since back then and time always heals.

 

Summer of 2001…It was my best year and best summer ever. It was when I first met my second big crush and the most pathetic one, my prince of misery! I spent the bitter eight years of my life living on the idea or the illusion of someone I thought he could really be worth the fight and all those years of waiting.

I got introduced to him from a common cousin, how ironic is that! My first impression about him was when we were attending a wedding and he came and invited me to dance knowing that he doesn’t dance ever. It felt nice that night but it didn’t go much farther than that.

Until one day we were going out with a group of friends in his car. We were listening to the new songs of that time of our common favorite singer. It was my favorite song playing and I was watching him secretly driving, the way he moves his arms, the reflection in the mirror of his eyes seriously fixed on the road, everything about him got my attention at that particular moment. It was then that I started to feel something for him.

I spent the entire summer wondering about his feelings because I was so sure that he cared even for a little bit, his looks and his eyes following me everywhere I go made me think of that. I was naïve.

The summer was ending and I needed to know something, anything. This is where I wrote him a thank you letter showing that I was glad I got introduced to him and I hoped we would be friends.

It was the end day of that summer and I couldn’t see him. So I left my message with a cousin of him and I left.

Five months passed and didn’t hear a word from his side. The next time I met him, it was like we don’t know each other at all. I got hurt but at least I got my answer, or that what I thought.

In every time we meet in the same place, I feel his gaze all around me. In every time I feel that I will get over all this I find myself trapped in the same feelings again and again.

That was when I have decided that I need changes, new people and new ambiance. It is when I met the two people that now I hate the most in my entire life.

 

Summer of 2002, it was the worst summer ever. He was someone that I didn’t know before, he was funny and at the first moment that we got introduced the talking was flowing like we knew each other from a long time, he was the prince of hell! I felt at ease around him. We spent the whole night talking and laughing together. Then he wanted to take a walk with me. So we went. We sat in a place a little away from people. It was then that the directions of this friendship turned to be something more.

“What do you say if we go with this a little bit further, let’s say we actually start dating? You know already that I wanted to from the minute we started talking. And at this moment I don’t see anything that could stop us from trying. So what do you say?”

“I don’t know, it’s too early to decide that, I mean we only know each other from just four or five hours…”

“Don’t argue with this. All I’m asking is to try. Tell me what do you think of me, what is your impression till now?”

“Well, I guess I can say that I feel that I’m comfortable with you, but I don’t know…”

“Then say ok let’s try and we will see where it can go”

I hesitated before answering. I looked down and closed my eyes for a while. I don’t know why but the image of my ego prince came up to my mind and I saw in seconds what happened last summer with all the feelings I had and I got mad of this, of him, I wanted to run away from all those bad memories. So I opened my eyes and I looked to the person standing in front of me wanting to start a relationship with me, I could see in his eyes that he liked me so I smiled and said “Ok let’s try this !”. He smiled back at me and out of nowhere he hugged me and pulled me to sit next to him. With his arms still around me, we were enjoying the moment under the stars and the light of the full moon. And when it was time to go, he walked me home.

It felt good to be wanted but I was still confused, maybe scared from the situation and how fast it happened.

The next day we met and we went for a walk. Suddenly he grabbed my hand and took me into a place where it was full of trees. We sat there on the ground. Everything was normal and simple. Until the moment he kissed me. At first, it was so gentle and good, but then it started to make me feel uncomfortable when he started to push things further and went from kissing my cheek to try to kiss my lips. I quickly pushed him away questioning about his too quick moves. He seemed upset by my reaction but after a long debate he set me free to go back again to our friends waiting for us.

Nothing much happened that day. He needed to go back to the city that afternoon due to work next day. During the week days, a common friend knew about my relationship with this guy. Actually, I was having doubts about whether to keep on going with this or just end it. But when she started talking about him and how much he is a great responsible guy, she encouraged me to wait and see to where it would lead me.

The next weekend was good till the night he took me for a ride in his car. He took me to a nice place and we stayed the whole time in the car. First, we were making a usual conversation, then he came to sit behind me in the same seat and he wanted to kiss me. I stopped him. I started to get angry of this.

“I guess I made myself clear when I said to you that I don’t like these things.”

“Why ruining the perfect moment for us? Isn’t this what you always wanted, a romantic place, a romantic moment?”

At these words he made me more upset. And I don’t know why but I started crying. I heard him whispering to my ear “don’t cry, I promise I will make things better!” and again he tried to kiss me. “Please stop!” He didn’t say a word. He just sat back again in his seat. He took a cigarette and started smoking, angry.

“Look, can’t we just talk, go in a public place right now and talk like we should do to get to know each other better, you know like in any normal relationship? I’m not ok with things keep going on like this. I want to make this relationship work but not like this.”

“You know, this is the first time that I smoke, it’s for my brother. And do you know why? Because now I’m mad. I thought that’s what you wanted, this place, us. You think that I don’t know what you are hiding, but I do know you very well. I know what you want, how you think. I know you in a way that I can tell that all those people back there you call them friends are not your friends and they mean nothing to you as much as you mean nothing to them. You think that I can’t see that but I do. I watched you for an enough time to tell you that. I don’t like talking, but this I like. So why don’t you cooperate with me and let us have a nice evening?”

I don’t know if there are words to describe what it felt when hearing this. I don’t know what it felt when realizing that he was right about my life and friends. But I was too upset and angry to feel sorry for myself. I wanted to go away and forget all about these two weekends. “I want to go back, take me home right now!”

We didn’t look to each other. He waited a little then he turned on the key and took me back home. Before that I got the chance to open my door he said “I will go back to the city the early morning, I don’t want us to be still upset from each other, let’s just say that you will think about what I told you and you will think about me and then tell me what you really want”

“I know what I want and I know that this can’t continue like that. I want to go out in public and talk and you want isolation and things I can’t do. So I’d rather to stop this craziness tonight, now and go back to where it started just be friends.”

“You know that I can’t be your friend. I don’t want to be your friend.”

“Alright well I’m sorry for hearing that. Goodbye then!”

And without any other word, I stepped outside the car and went inside my home. I don’t know how and why but I was glad and felt so much relief knowing that this relationship ended.

After a couple of days, I was invited to spend the evening with the people I was hanging out with at the time. We went to a place of one of them. We were four people. The cousin of Prince of Hell was one of them. He was trying the whole afternoon to tell me something. When I forced him to speak, he took me outside to the balcony to talk. First I thought that he wanted to talk to me about his cousin, but when he started to speak I realized that I was wrong.

“When we were talking this afternoon you said to me something that caught my attention. I think I like you already so what do you think?”

I didn’t know this was coming and I felt that it won’t end well. I didn’t know what to say. I felt like I was trapped especially that he was getting closer to me so I said “I’m sorry but we can’t, I have someone in my life”. I lied but I didn’t have another choice. I started to feel afraid from that moment. I wanted to go back inside, no I wanted to go back home.

“It’s because of my cousin no? Are you two together?”

Oh no! He just did not ask me that. Well if he knew about it, why acting like that then? How dare he?

“Well no we are not together. It’s someone else.”

“Interesting! So there is no hope for me?”

He didn’t wait for an answer. He just leaned toward me, he moved his hand and tried to touch my back and then tried to kiss me. Then the facts happened quickly at the same instant not leaving me the time to absorb what just happened. My friend came and found us standing outside, he didn’t have the time to do anything of what he was trying to do, I was too afraid that I couldn’t move a muscle.

How I wanted at that moment to punch him in the face and scream and run so far away from them, all of them. What if my friend didn’t come at the perfect moment, it would…I can’t even think about it! I hated this moment, I hated him, I hated the cousin, I hated this entire group…I hated myself!

I told my friend that we should go right away so we went back home. And it was the last time I ever saw them or heard about them. I tried to continue living the rest of my summer normally but I needed time to forget, or trying to forget all this, and time to forgive myself for getting involved in all this in the first place.

The fact that we had a lot of parties and plans going on that summer helped me a lot in forgetting, it was not without difficulties, and I admit that the presence of my prince of misery in every party or plan I was involved in, had a big part in the helping process.

And it was this feeling that kept me trapped in the same situation another year; another year of hoping, another year of dreaming, another year of holding on to all those hopeless illusions and another year of the exact same facts happening.

 

Spring of 2004, I decided to speak. I decided to call him and confront him since he won’t and since I had his phone number. It was a Thursday after I got back home from school. I hesitated so many times before I dialed his number. I had in my head repeated what I have to tell him million times. I finally got to call.

“Hello?” Oh this voice, it made me tremble and paralyzed me. After few moments of silence that seemed to me the longest moments ever, I managed to say my name and the reason of my call. I told him that we should meet to talk. Of course he looked totally surprised but we agreed to meet after two days near his home.

The day I was waiting for came. I was too nervous and I revised all the things I wanted to talk to him about over and over again. I went down the streets and reached the place where we were supposed to meet. He wasn’t there yet. I waited for a while, and while I was waiting, I kept looking to all those people keep coming and going their way. They were strangers to me but yet I recognized in their faces similarity in their smile and innocence sometimes, and sometimes anger sadness or even disappointments like I was feeling at that particular moment. No one showed up that day and I felt like an idiot standing alone at the street waiting hopelessly for him to be brave enough to deal with all this for once and for all. I guess I was wrong. So I turned around, took a cab and headed to my friend’s house. Surprisingly, I didn’t cry or feel bad about all this. Surprisingly, I felt relief that we didn’t meet at all. And I decided to go on with my life or at least try to do that.

 

Summer of 2004, I graduated from school. There was a graduation ceremony going on. I was excited about it and I was feeling that I will have a special day that day. And while I was climbing the stage when my name came up, I looked to all the audience in front of me shouting and applauding, their faces were familiar but didn’t really see anyone I recognized. Then suddenly his face came clear between that entire crowd and I felt happy and proud seeing him smiling at me. There was a party going on after that ceremony so of course he was there. I was dancing all night and he was looking at me the whole time. But he never came or said or asked anything. All I got from him, all I always get from him is just his looks, not a word or a gesture, just looks.

And all of a sudden it stopped to make any sense, the illusions of him and all this stopped to be interesting. I had a peaceful year without him trying to meet random people but none of those dates lasted or were successful.

 

Then another summer came. Like every summer, the things were going so fast. It made me realizing that this circle of us will never end no matter how hard I tried to forget or ignore. Maybe it’s because that amazing killing look that he gives me every time our eyes meet with no one else around. I always thought that this look tells more than words can explain. Maybe it’s because I’m a “dramagnetic” person who is attracted by disappointments and drama.

The events happened so quickly leaving thousands of questions about unexplained gestures: Friends lying, chasing by car, unexpected riding with him…but nothing really important to mention.

 

Summer of 2006, something unusual happened. I started working in a company to accomplish my four months of training period for my second year of university. It was then that I realized that I didn’t know before what I was always searching for. I found someone who, maybe in other circumstances that we had, might be the other half for me. His character, his personality, his gestures, his way of thinking, his really good sense of humor, everything in him got my attention. It was like an ideal prince for me. This weird feeling and strange sudden tension between us was too obvious for both of us. We were talking the whole time about everything and anything that could come to our mind forgetting the space and time. I started loving working days. We were always staying after the working hours talking and laughing not realizing that the working day ended. But I always knew that we can’t go any further than that, ever. It was like forbidden to step into that kind of relationship. And like fate was against us, a war happened that summer that obliged us, me and my family, to leave home for another one more safe. It was the reason I didn’t go to work till the war ended. It was like a period for both of us to reconsider things and take a deep breath before doing anything. And it did work. I will always remember him though because he’s from those people who you can’t forget for they leave a great memory in your heart.

 

My ideal prince made me realize that I definitely deserve to be treated in a descent way, in a way that my prince of misery didn’t. And the fact that a strong friendship from out of nowhere started to happen at that moment, helped me a lot to define what a good friend is. It is then I decided that I should put an end to this everlasting torture for once and for all.

I was going back from university with my friend. I started writing a message “thanks for being a bad friend to me because I would never realize what a good friend is. Hope you have a nice life”.

I felt a strong feeling of relief once sent. He called twice that day but I didn’t answer. I wasn’t prepared to face his reaction yet. It was till night, I was going back home after tutoring that he called a third time. So I answered my phone. An angry upset voice said to me: “Hello, you sent today a message to my phone number, may I know who this is? Maybe you sent it by mistake”.

“No, I didn’t, and maybe it doesn’t matter to know who I am. I’m just a girl who does not know what will happen to this world after all we are facing recently especially after last summer war. And everything I want to say to people in my life I’m saying it now.”

“Is this kind of joke? A game? Tell me who this is because I’m sure you’re mistaken.”

“I told you I’m not mistaken. I know exactly what I did. I know you very well like you know me. I’m from your home town. Maybe you don’t even care so really don’t take it into consideration. I had something to say and I said it. It’s just a message. So ignore it.”

“To state it like that means that it’s not just a message. Please tell me who this is.”

After insisting so many times, I said my name. He was surprised and there had been a moment of silence then he said “Oh!!! I didn’t know it is you. I don’t even have your number but why is that message?”

So I explained again that it really doesn’t matter anymore, we can go our separate ways now. He wanted to say more but I interrupted him saying I’m already late and I had to go. “Oh!!! Ok. Bye”.

I felt my heart jumping through my chest and my hands were trembling. But I felt a strong feeling of warmth knowing that this nightmare finally came to an end. I felt satisfied because it happened to be me who ended it.

That day, I sent an e-mail to my friend telling what just happened and felt that I’m got to be alright.

When summer came that year, I spent it surrounded by good friends all around me and I knew that he finally got my message seeing them care for me, for who I am and for what I want and need.

 

My graduation year came. I was already working and studying so I had lots of things in my mind during that year to think of. Of course they were nights where I was remembering him. But the fact that I had already best friends I can come to anytime, and the fact that I was going out a lot with my new friends from work kept my mind busy from letting these memories to come back hunting me again like they used to do once in my life.

 

Then something unexpected happened. My attention was suddenly shifted to a friend that I knew from university. He started working at the same company I did. It all began with a joke that cost me about one year and a half of living in a conflict. He was my fraud prince.

We were spending almost all the working days talking, laughing and having fun. Then it started to be obvious in a way that all people around us were talking about us. And unfortunately rumor has it after all.

I was always hoping that all what I was getting through would be for real. I admit that I was giving him too much attention, more than he deserved. Maybe because I was too blinded to see the reality, maybe because I was satisfied by the degree of attention I was getting from him or maybe it was both.

Everything was going great till the day he told me that he has someone in his life. Even then, I kept myself close to him, sharing with him his happiness, his worries, his sadness, his sickness and everything related to him. Whenever he wanted anything I was always the first to offer my help for him. He was the first reachable person I would turn to in whatever I wanted. And I can’t deny the fact that he was beside me for many times when I needed someone to be there for me. But what I didn’t know by then was that everything he was doing was for his own good and his own reputation in the first place.

I was getting annoyed about all the talking around us about us. So I decided to talk to him about the things that were bothering me. And I suggested that we slow down with our friendship just to stop the rumors about us because they were too much bothering. He agreed although he said that it wouldn’t change anything. And he was right.

When I started finally to accept the fact that we can’t be never more than just friends I knew that he broke up with his beloved. And so the hope came back again.

I never left him through his pain; I was always calling him, sending him messages even creating plans to let him get out of his sorrow. I did all of that without even considering things twice. I was ready to give all I could give to him even more. That’s when I knew that I was getting too attached to him. Everyone was seeing in him a person that doesn’t deserve me. But since I was too blinded to see the inconveniences they encouraged me to talk to him. So I did, or should I say tried to do. He didn’t even have the courage to face me, and he knew exactly what was going on. So I wrote him a message and sent it to him. Of course the answer was negative. I knew at that moment that we couldn’t get back again where things were used to be fine. He said to me that it’s better for me if we tried not to see each other too much.

Surprisingly my grief didn’t take too long since I had my friends around me and I finally started seeing all the negative sides that were once invisible for me.

We didn’t talk too much like we used to be. Our calls for each other were strictly for business or just normal greetings.

Then one day he called and after saying hello, unexpected words came out: “I miss you. I miss being your friend. I miss talking to you.”

“But it was you who said to me it’s better if we don’t be friends again like before. I’m confused…”

“Yes I know but everyone makes mistakes, and this was a mistake. I really hope we can be friends again.”

“I can’t promise anything. But we can try”.

I was feeling inner satisfaction about this phone call, I can’t deny this fact. But at the same time, I knew there was something already broken and can’t be fixed anymore. Or maybe was I feeling like that just because I had something else in my mind? I can’t tell the real fact because I don’t understand the changes that happened to me in a very few period.

Days passed and it was time for him to leave work for another one abroad. I don’t know why I didn’t care that much and didn’t do anything for him, I just said my goodbyes. He was so upset from my behavior and this is why we kept our relationship as formal as it could be till nowadays. And I know that it is better this way.

 

After what happened and what I got through all those years, I’ve learned that to forgive and forget is a peaceful gift for keep going in my life. And I know that all this was meant to be, like this moment, right now, right here, with you telling you all these stories about me. But if I didn’t get through all this I wouldn’t know how much I am blessed having you in my life. You are my inspiration and hope. All what I reached till now is because of you. I’m afraid this would be a dream that I don’t wake up from because people always leave, right?….

At that word the electricity went on again with the echo of the last sentence flowing in the air….

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