It was a shining wonderful night in the time of cherry blossoms. I was finally alive. While sleeping peacefully in his arms, I was trying to absorb what just happened. It all started when I came to him to say my last goodbye before I had to travel for accepting a job offer abroad.
We were talking like usual & remembering unforgettable moments & situations. We were laughing & arguing like usual, forgetting that in every second we are spending we are getting closer & closer to the bitter moment we are trying to escape from. We were wishing secretly for that precise moment to not come, never! We were listening to our favorite common songs as usual.
Then my favorite song was playing, so he stopped talking, stood up, took my hand put it around his neck, put his arms around my waist, and we started dancing.
At that precise moment I felt something, it felt so wrong yet so perfect & good. I felt that all the boundaries & walls we were building around us through out all those years were starting to fall apart one after the other. I felt peace so I couldn’t stop myself of not laying my head on his heart. I closed my eyes and wished that this moment lasts forever, though I knew very well that we both crossed the line, and that this shouldn’t happen in the first place.
But since everything in life has an end, the song has ended, the dance has ended, and I felt that I ended too.
I opened my eyes the moment we stopped moving and struggling between staying that close to him or getting away, I managed to step backwards & look into his eyes.
The view was not clear. I lifted my hand to my eyes & I realized that they were filled by tears. Quickly I wiped my eyes fearing that he would notice. But as always, nothing can be hidden from him. His hands reached my face & started to make the tears disappear from my eyes. Then he held me closer and kissed my forehead. I know that there is nothing romantic about this, it doesn’t have to be romantic in the first place, but I always loved that kind of kiss. I felt something even stronger than before, and I wanted that this will last longer.
But then I realized that I must wake up & go because the time I have is starting to end. So I managed with so much difficulty to free myself from his arms & I hardly could say the two smallest yet so difficult words to say “Goodbye my friend, till we meet again!”
It was so hard to let all this go but I had to. So I turned my back quickly and got ready to walk away.
Then I heard his tender voice barely saying “Stay!”. It was that moment, that word that changed all the directions of our relation. I froze & heard him again saying “Stay! Please just stay!”
I turned to face him & saw that his eyes were full of sadness, pain, passion & love…yes, love!
I looked around to escape from his gaze, and realized for the first time that the room was too beautiful and too small. I realized that the purple color was dominant & the room decorated by different kind of purple & white flowers that I recognized: purple blooming Million Bells & Petunia, friendly & welcoming Orchids, romantic features of Rhododendron & Verbena, the amazing smell and form of the Salvia in the entire room, the purity and innocence of the White Roses & Orchids, the freshness of White Alstroemeria and the stunning Annabelle Hydrangea. The lights reminded me of the Christmas lighting, a table was set at the center of the room, cleanly prepared for a nice dinner with lighted candles on it. I tried to figure all that out but didn’t dare to go farther and ended by pushing that idea away, because simply it can’t be true, I mean we are friends, we always used to be friends. Then my eyes met his, again, and suddenly I felt a wide warm feeling that left me with confusion. I was feeling dizzy like I was going to faint.
The first thing I realized when I opened my eyes was his voice saying “Stay with me!”, and I felt that he was holding me. Still confused, I tried to picture what just happened. Then I remembered that I have to go, so I told him that I have to leave like right away. He wouldn’t let me. I asked him why should I stay. He didn’t answer. I started to leave. He touched my hand and said “Because I don’t want you to leave!”
“Don’t be stupid! You know we’ll get over this even if it’s hard”. I looked into his eyes and added “You know it’s not an enough reason! I have to go now!”
“No you don’t! Please?”
“Don’t be so childish, just say goodbye and hope to see you soon.” He didn’t say a word. I turned and opened the door. The next thing I realized that he was in a second standing just behind me, he closed the door not letting me step outside the room.
“Because I love you!”
I turned to face him with wide open eyes, “What??!!”
“It’s true, I love you!”
“I know silly…I love you too”
“No, I’m in love with you!”. He came closer and look into my eyes & I could finally see what he meant, but still couldn’t believe it.
“What’s impossible? The fact that I’m in love with you? The fact that now more than ever I realized that I can’t live without you or the fact that I want you in my life and I need you more than anything else?”
I never saw him like that before and I didn’t expect such a reaction from him at all. I tried to think but loudly said “But we’re friends! Why now? And how? When you didn’t show or say anything before?”
“Well maybe because I newly realized this too.” I knew at that moment that he was thinking out loud too because we were both surprised of what just happened.
“And how would you know? How would you be sure?”
“I am sure, believe me!”
I didn’t know what to do or say anymore. I couldn’t believe what I’ve been hearing. I just said “No, you’re not! You’re just afraid of losing me around. Would you listen to yourself? This is insane!”.
Although a big part of me, or should I say, all of me, wanted to believe in his words, I just couldn’t let myself fall for this. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Because if it was true, you should realized it or said something long time ago. It can’t just be happening in these seconds while you had all the time to find this out!”
“Maybe I just said it now, but I felt it a long time ago!”
“How? How you felt it a long time ago and you didn’t say anything? When you always keep this shield around you to not let people come closer, when you don’t care if I might be in a relation with someone else, when I feel that I can’t compete all those people around you, when I…”
“Before you’ll go on and on, let me defend myself. When you are afraid of losing someone special, you will be very careful of every move, every word, every step, to make sure that you’ll always have him around you even if just for a friend.”
“But you forgot the part when this person will think that you are blowing him off by the ignorance you make. So is that it? Is that your defense? Well news flash, I’m scared too of losing too, even the idea makes me frightened. But instead I never feared to show myself to you!”
“I know what you’ll say & now I understood it or it came clear to me. I know that you were always there for me, you always listened to me, you always made me laugh, forget everything that may be bothering me, you always ask for me, you trust in me, you understood me even when I never showed or shared anything related to what’s going on with me, you always amaze me.
Whenever you talked about any guy, I was feeling somehow bothered and didn’t understand why, now I know that it was because I don’t love to see you with any other guy, it was because of jealousy and maybe the reason of not doing anything about it is that the feeling of seeing you happy was more important to me than my own will or happiness.
When you were treated wrong, I’d had the feeling to go and beat the hell up of those people who were bothering you. I had peace and self satisfaction when you’d be ok and smiling, when you’d come to me for any reason even if it was sometimes from a distance.
I love when we argue about something, it makes me feel that I want to take you down till you surrender and agree with me, it’s crazy I know but this is what it is.
I always tried to let you know that you’re a special one to me in so many situations and I suppose you know by that what I mean.
I never saw so much purity, innocence and craziness in anyone else. I never had someone who believes in me the way you do and this gives me more confidence I myself and reach everything I want and do anything I want to do. You are my courage and inspiration. I never wanted to trust in anyone, but with you I can’t do anything but trust in you, when I see all that in you I can’t help myself. I was always afraid to get closer to anyone because I was afraid of losing or people letting me down because it happened to me before and you know that. Maybe I’m not used to share my feelings out of fear or to have my own space, but I promise I’ll try to let you in my shield, if you just give me the chance, give us the chance to try and know to where it could lead us!”
At these words, I started to cry. He came closer and said:
“Don’t cry. Trust in me in this, like you always do, and I promise you won’t have to cry anymore, you will have the best days with all the happiness and joy and love every single day. I know that I can’t guarantee that it won’t be difficult sometimes, but we can get through everything if we just will be to be together. Say something…”
What could I say to him. It was all I ever wanted to hear. I wanted to say that he’s my world, my only reason for existence for so long. I felt like the walls I’ve been trying to build were destroyed in a second, and I tried to hide or pretend that what I feel is not true, but now I don’t have to anymore.
But I was still afraid, scared to death to believe and fail and fall into deception. I wanted to choose the easiest way, the harmless way, to leave things like they already are, just friends, no promises, and saving for both of us the chance of losing each other.
It was like he was reading my mind, like always because I was too often like an open book to him, he always knew me inside out. He always understood or knew what I was going to say without even have to say it.
“Don’t choose the easiest way and just walk away and hide from this, because you’ll be unfair to both of us. I know that you want it too and you know now that you’re everything to me. So, please, choose the difficult way and you’ll have me with you in every step. We can get through the difficult together. Don’t be scared because I’m not anymore as long as you’ll be with me walking down that road side by side.”
“But what if we couldn’t make it, what if you couldn’t change to let me a part of this shield, what if you got bored from me, what if…”
He gently touched my lips with his shaking hands as a sign for me to stop talking.
“Ok, stop! Stop analyzing things and thinking about every single stupid detail. Don’t think just let it be. I know it’s the right thing to me. Stop fighting this feeling. Just let it be!”
He lifted my face so that my eyes could face his, and for just one simple glance, I surrendered. I was still crying and couldn’t say a word, I just threw myself in his arms. He took this reaction as a “yes” so he held me closely tight and said “Finally!”.
We stayed like this for a long time. I stopped counting time the minute he began talking. I always was the one who showed myself to him, today it was his turn. I was feeling peace and satisfaction. I never felt that I will be loved that much and in that way. We stayed up all night talking, and when we got tired, we lied down beside each other and I slept peacefully in his arms.
I woke up the next day smiling. I reached out for him, but suddenly there was no one. I was in my room, no flowers, no lights, no candles, no Him, nothing. It took me a few moments to realize that it was just a dream, like usual, a beautiful unreachable dream.
I got up from bed and began my normal working day, keeping my secret as a hope to live along my routine days to come.