Lost Letter

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I had this amazing dream last night about someone I thought I forgot long time ago. Out of nowhere, he came to my home, to my old room. He told me he loved me and when I said the same, he looked at me like why I didn’t admit it before. Then he left me saying it’s too late and I was crying and crying and holding him back but I couldn’t. It upset me and still does. Why now i remembered all those feelings, and why it never happened. Now he is married, happily I believe, with kids. Who say that war doesn’t change a person, is really wrong. War does change people’s life, and maybe for ever, because everything changed after the last war we had in my country. Everything including the silly stupid things like my old room, when I had the most amazing time glancing at their home, at him.

And like fate had it coming up, earlier yesterday, I got to be face to face with the one person that I truly hate. He smiled and said hi how are you, like I needed to remember this one week we had together. I hate him because he could read me from the first moment he saw me. I hate him because he knew what I want, because he knew who were my true friends by just one glance at them. I hate him because with him I got my first intimate moment and kiss. I hate him because he was the only one see me crying while holding me in his arms. If all what we had was with someone else, maybe it would be for me the best summer crush ever, but for me it was the worst, because I was transparent for him, and I was scared. I was running away from my feelings toward someone else. Funny how in the same day, I got to run into both of them.

And in all this, all I wanted is to talk to you about it. I wanted to cry in your arms, to scream and to let go with you around.

If I could talk to you, like really talk to you, i would share with you my deepest fear these days: To lose you.

I don’t want to lose you, ever ! you don’t know how much you mean to me. How much you’ve helped me through, even when u did not know about it. You’ve been my hope and inspiration. We had our ups and downs, and am still jealous about some things, but I can’t live without you. They all left, except you. You always came back, we always ended up where we stand now. And I don’t know how my life would be without that.

I don’t want to lose you, and maybe if that someone that could provide me a better life abroad, a luxurious one, will make me loose you, i don’t want that.

I’d rather be wherever you are, helping you and supporting you and being with you instead of being alone with someone else in a foreign country. You are my country, you are my home, my shelter !

I don’t know why you are resisting it so much, but i feel it sometimes. I feel what our life would be if we would be together. Sometimes I feel like we are together. I know you feel it too. Even your family feels it. Sometimes, I feel that I am being used, but I say to myself “it’s alright if you want to get used”, because just a smile from you can light up my day and makes me feel complete.

So If I would talk to you, I would say you are my world, my one and only companion that made me forgot all the past, even when sometimes they come back knocking suddenly on my door. And all I want from you is one hold and one kiss, and I would feel like I owned the whole world.

I love you with all my heart and soul, I would always keep those words, Till Kingdom Comes !

 

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