Last week was slow, sometimes exhausting yet interesting. I’m learning how to keep on moving with peace and happiness. I enjoyed a weekend away from people, from work, from everything, except the memories, which is not bad anymore, because there were bad and good times to remember, those good times for nostalgia and the bad ones for me keeping up with my distance from you.
Yet like a storm you come back hunting me again in my dreams, and it’s all coming back to me, just like the song of Celine Dion except without being that physical as the song. It made me smile, but anxious about what will happen next. It was the first time I dream of you since last time we met, the day of our fight. Maybe my subconscious was working because I spent last night searching through memories and thinking of the past, not with you with someone else even before you, but still maybe the idea of the past brought you to my dreams.
I held your hands, I run with you, I was out of your sight for a second so you started yell my name and you told me you were afraid I was gone, and I kissed you as a good luck for me because I had some sort of exam that I need to take. But somehow, my friend showed up and she kissed you, it made me jealous so I held you closer. I don’t know if I should be happy or sad, because the kiss in the dream might be a goodbye in reality. And although we did not end it up completely but I feel like it will be a goodbye soon. And maybe I got used to this distance between us but a real goodbye will be so hard for me to accept.
Today when I was chatting with the one from US, I wished so badly if he would be a little younger, then it would be the perfect timing and the perfect match. I keep on thinking about this age thing and about our interests, we have lot in common but sometimes I feel like I’m talking in a different language than he is that he is not understanding. I just wished it were you, same things we have in another person. I’m enjoying our talk from time to time but am so scared of this step. Am so scared of really really losing you this time.
All around me are keep on reminding me why I should not be upset and I should not think of you again, and they are right, I’m trying to. Sometimes I feel strong toward this situation sometimes I feel my tears coming down.
But I have faith in God, in love and in good. I know I will have something better to live for and to experience. It must be this way, if not with someone then with myself, I’m learning to enjoy my time and spend it the way I want without someone, and if the right one came then be it, if not then it’s ok. I accept what is coming for me. I have faith, always !
“Each one of us is God’s special work of art. Through us, he teaches and inspires, delights and encourages, informs and uplifts all those who view our lives” “The Lord your God,,,will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing” “If we just give God the little that we have, we can trust Him to make it go around” “There’s something much more important than taking time and effort to make our outer being as lovely as possible,,,unless we are growing beautiful on the inside, our efforts to be glamorous on the outside are useless” “Love is a great beautifier” “To love what you do and feel that it matters, how could anything be more fun” “Be content with who you are, and don’t put on airs. God’s strong hand is on you; he’ll promote you at the right time. Live carefree before God; he is most careful with you” “When we do what is right, we have contentment, peace, and happiness”.
“There are two words, when spoken, have the most unfathomable power to completely change your life. Two words that, when they pass your lips, will be the cause of bringing absolute joy and happiness to you. Two words that will create miracles in your life, wipe out negativity, and bring you abundance in all things. Two words that, when uttered and sincerely felt, will summon all the forces in the Universe to move all things for you. There are just two words standing between you, happiness, and the life of your dreams,,,Thank you !” Sometimes also they came out with an act, and sincerely the only time I felt an act of thank you was when I was invited from you without any reason.
But if I will keep on thinking about it, I will fall again, because I was told that my life is a “reflection of what you hold inside you, and what you hold inside you is always under control. You are a unique and magnificent human being. Of all the billions of people on the planet, there is not another you, and your very existence is vital to the functioning of our Universe, because you are one part of the whole Universe. All that you seem and all that there is, could not exist without you ! Sit down comfortably. Notice how you are feeling, and relax your entire body,,, Repeat this deeper relaxing,,, each time relaxing as much as you can,,,you are more in harmony with the universe and the law of attraction ! Persist,,,you will become so aware of the words that people speak, especially when they speak of things they don’t want. You will become so aware of the words that you speak,,,Each of us is attracting in every moment of our lives. So when you feel that the law isn’t working for you because you don’t have what you want, realize that the law is responding to you. You are either attracting what you want or you are attracting the absence of what you want”. “The greatest revolution in our generation is the discovery that human beings, by changing the inner attitudes of their minds, can change the outer aspects of their lives”
The last part for today is my favorite, because for a long time I ask why is the reason “Beginning to ask questions about life is a sign you are having a major breakthrough. The truth of Life is right here for everybody, as it has always been, but only the ones who ask questions receive the answers and discover the truth. When we ask questions, deeply wanting to know the answers, we will attract the answers in a form that we can understand. To receive answers in life, you must begin to ask !” I can tell from what I know till now, my answer is to love and give love and happiness with humor sometimes to all people around me so that they feel better and happy. My answer is in my writing, although they are silly and no one would read them but they are for me and they are important to me to express myself when no one is hearing and no one around.
And through out all of this, you still and will be in my mind, my kind of storm and thoughts and prayers and love. Till kingdom comes !