It has been 2 days since your birthday. You don’t even know how much I wanted so bad to see you, to just see your smile, and hear your voice. And somehow, in a stupid act by mistake from me, I heard your voice. It was not intentionally but it made me feel alive again. It made me feel good. After all the bad things, it still affects me. Every time I reach the phone to call you or talk to you, something holds me back, but I can’t help the feeling. You did come again to visit me in my dreams, so it must be something good, at least this is what I hope for.
And this makes me wonder, would I ever get over you, get over this feeling? Would I ever find anyone that will make me feel loved and not alone, that would let me experience all the things I never had? Sometimes I feel like I would never have. I keep thinking about a new life style, I keep thinking that I need to learn more about things in life. Sometimes even I feel the urge to spend time with my mom to learn what she knows, to spend more time with her, with my father, as if I’m leaving for good, as if I’m not going to see them for a long time.
I was watching today the movie Letters To Juliet, and it made me wonder about the “what if” issue. What if I was born in a different time, or different place, identity,,,what would it be like? Would I find the one in that other life? Would it be too late when I do? It was late better than never in the movie, but it is just a movie. Sometimes I love to think that everything will be ok, and I will not end up alone. But then things in life happen, things that till now not happening to me directly, thank God for that, but they might happen at any second,,,A terrorism act, an accident, a death. And the ironic part, is that am afraid that these things happen to you, before happening to me. I can’t help it but I would die if anything bad happen to you. I would not stand the idea and I can’t stand it.
I don’t know what the future holds for me from you, but like this boat in the picture I wish I can just sail away and go back to where we were before all these complications, or just stay away from all of this, like a thousand years apart from this.
It’s funny how I read about important events happening around the world, like the Women March for instance, women across the world are being united to stand for a powerful cause that I believe in, or the global warming happening that is getting worse year after year, and all those deaths and acts of terrorism or natural disasters,,,all this and I still keep you as a first in my mind; what you’re doing, are you happy, satisfied, are you going out, are you available,,,all these questions keep running through my mind, never answered or spoken out, keep me thinking about you every single day. And the problem is that you don’t talk, you never talk. You never express, or really care about any deep thought, feeling, anything that is not related to you. The problem is that you are always thinking that all I have to say or feel or be upset with is childish and over reacted. You are not seeing that am being hurt by this prejudice and your careless actions. But it won’t break me. The thing I’ve learned while reading about the events of Women March is the strength and will and ability and power of each individual will make our goals and dreams and hope reachable. I used to say I won’t give up on us, but you gave up and I can’t go on alone fighting for this, you wanted a way out and you got it. So I won’t break down. “When we are away from God, He misses us far more than we miss Him”
On your birthday, I got the quote “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope” strange coincidence and wish that I send to you with all my heart whenever you are and whatever you are doing and whoever you are with, always !
“At the end of your life you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent.” “,,,Each friend was important,,, their words have seasoned my life. Influence, just like salt shaken out, is hard to see, but its flavor is hard to miss”
“According to the law of attraction, the path to eradicating disease is to fight it. if you decide you are going to fight a disease, your focus is on fighting the disease, and we attract what we are focusing on. Allow the doctors you have chosen to do their work, and keep your mind focused on well-being. Think thoughts of well-being. Speak words of well-being. And imagine yourself completely well” It’s like they knew I was sick, physically and morally. Powerful words to get over the disease and especially the disease of You.
“One of the biggest things you can do to change your circumstances around money is to take ten percent of what you receive and give it away. This is called the spiritual law of tithing, and it is the greatest action you can take to bring more money into your life,,,Appreciation of what you have brings what you want” with you, never a problem, even when I was broke, I never thought twice to help you in this matter, maybe now I understand that there are people who deserve this and people who don’t, and maybe now I realized that you were from the group that does not deserve, because you never really knew how to appreciate things you got and keep the people that deserve to be in your life. Some day you will realize how you did me wrong, and even if not, I will forgive you and pray for you to have always a good happy life.
No one can change anyone who does not want to change or see from different perspectives.”Never try to compel others to change; leave them free to change naturally and orderly because they want to; and they will want to when they find that your change was worthwhile. To inspire in others a desire to change for the better is truly noble; but this you can do only by leaving them alone, and becoming more noble yourself” This is what am trying to do, keep my distance for you to come around in case you think am worth it. But it seems that am not, so I’m letting go, and each time I would think of contacting you I will remind myself of this. Not easy at all, but will survive. I got through the worst so I will get through this, through you eventually. This is Good bye, for now !