Torn

I wasn’t going to send this, or tell u abt it ever, but my dream of you holding me last night while we were walking with friends was like a sign for me. Maybe it’s nothing and maybe it’s just because something that I want that i dreamed of it. But I guess it’s fair enough to share this with u as u’re still my best friend after all.

Time was started to get closer for the first date with him. I was happy and excited, that’s for sure, but deep down inside of my subconsciousness, I knew that still something is feeling missing or not right.

The day was more than expected. I had some doubts that he might not get along with me, who I am, what I love, what I do, what I drink,,, but turns out to be like we are on the same page. The interests we have, the way of living, the way of thinking,,, all seemed compatible. And yet, that something that is missing still rank on top of my thoughts.

He’s everything a woman can ask for, a gentleman, with steady lifestyle, luxury living, life-loving, sensitive, and surprisingly he seems to enjoy spending some time with me and excited to see me every day. Yet, still feeling not right for me.

All my friends that know about this are encouraging me to keep going and dreaming about that life i could have if all goes the way it should. And honestly, i thought about that too, how my life would be abroad, what I will do and how I will live, the trips I would go to, all these places around the world that I dream of seeing, all that can come true and seem very close to reality now.

But then you came along ! I fought so hard to get rid of my feelings. No one knows how much I did efforts to let go and to forget my feelings. But how am I supposed to do that knowing that i can’t afford the idea of you not being around. No matter how much i hide it, it can still shows and i know you know. All that dreams and experiences, i wanted them to be with you. It all seems with no purpose, no fun, no meaning if I’m not experiencing all of this with you. Even when we are just sitting next to each other without talking is more than perfect for me.

My biggest fears seem to disappear when you’re around. I don’t know why you’re still here, and I don’t know what it is what i feel or what you feel, but i know that i can easily imagine my life around you, with all the ups and specially all the downs, i was and I still am here as long as you want me and let me to. I could do that and be rihht beside you with my eyes closed, it’s like an intuition for me with not even a little bit of effort. It’s like a spell !

I always have this particular dream where it shows that you’re not ready to let go yet, and this happened often in the time when we were distant, like a sign for me that there’s still hope of not losing you. I wrote to you everyday for some time, and still writing to you every once and a while, everything i want to say and everything i think of, all the places i wanted to go to with you, all the interests and things to do together, just to release them from my mind. I even wrote a story about you. Writing this is so easy yet so difficult to let it show. These words are the hardest i have ever said or will say.

Having you in my life ! could not have asked for more than your presence and your attention ! Maybe it’s just because you’re my best friend, and maybe it’s just because i’m attached to the idea of having you in my life. I know what u’ve been through, and i know that no matter how much ego and darkness u might show, u carry a big heart and a pure sensitivity to people around u. I’m so scared of losing u, am not ready for losing u !

But since I already know where you stand and where i stand, I should forget this and keep on moving forward and think with what my life will be, with something else, with someone else. I am at a point of my life and age where i should start thinking of the next chapter of my life. You already set up your mind long ago and i think it’s time I do the same. I could wait forever you know, with lots of patience and hope I have and feel, but I won’t have that chance ever with you, will I?

 

 

 

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