In a time when all the world is trying to free themselves from a hard lockdown that went for almost 3 years till now, I am trying to adjust to the feeling that you and I won’t ever be able to be. I was doing fine through out those 3 years, I guess I found myself in a way, just like most of people.
In a place where I accepted the fact that we won’t be able to meet more often and all we had left is a few text messages or few conversations through phone I found a shelter in novels and series. I even have a routine that keeps me distracted through out the week days and especially during the weekend.
In a bad day or in a good day, I discovered that remedy for the soul can be in a walk after a long day at work, stumbling through hidden places I never realized they were there. Or a walk in nature in my homeplace to figure out my favorite spot of peace. In dozens of books that I went wild with ordering depsite our economical situation. In creating a small place for my own in my room where I walk down memory lane and remember the most precious and valuable memories. In a gathering of the family and playing with my niece, remembering how to be a child again, careless of the grown ups stuff, with the only thing that counts or the only problem is how to figure out which thing to play and always be entertaining, to get a smile or a hug or a kiss from the child that stole my heart.
But even with all the distractions and the bubble i’ve made to myself those couple of years, the thought that you are there, keeping me longing for small talks from time to time, kept me going on and dreaming for a better tomorrow. There is something charming about you that I don’t know how to resist, don’t know why or how I am that deeply attracted to you no matter how hard I try not to. But i just don’t know how not to love you. What if I don’t know how.
What if am not there for you when I know you need someone, a friend, waiting in the corner for you, for when the time will come you will find, even if your pride doesn’t admit it. What if am not there for you when I know what you really truly are. It’s unimaginable.
A caring responsable person, a sensitive one when you should be, and strong when the situation needs it to be, simply a man. Even when you had so many times the chance to take advantage of what I had to give, you did not. You considered our frienship more valuable to whatever might have been going wrong. That alone is worth the waiting all those years and this friendship. You are worth it for life. And i know now that you were keeping distance when the situation went wild, for not ruining what we already had. But believe me I was not myself and I was going crazy because I was being pushed away when all I wanted was to hang on for as much longer as I could. I wanted so much to love you, support you, be included and be loved.
What if am not there for you when I believe that you deserve to be in a better place, when I believe in your potentials and share your dreams, when I believe in You. And what if I know I’m not the one for you. What if am not to love you, whoever you choose and whatever you are. It’s unbearable.
As i imagined every kind of person you might choose, believe me, every single kind of person. Although I won’t be lying to say that I just don’t stand even the idea of you being with someone else. It’s hard, really hard to imagine it. but if it comes to that, i will have to adjust to the fact that it is your choice of happiness. All I care for is your happiness no matter how it might come. Sometimes I beat the curiosity of finding out what you’ve been up to, just because I am afraid things will be point out to what I already know deep down. And because I can’t stand to see you suffering from anything, from or for someone. I know you’re tired but I don’t know how to take the stress and hurt all away. I am not allowed to cross the boundaries and walls you’ve built. So I struggle silently and surrender for not finding out.
What if I don’t stay, or, what if I stay. What if I am not enough.
But then, when I am with you, I feel I am safe, protected from the outside world and all its chaos. I feel myself, even though i don’t act as free as I want to be, because I am afraid of unleaching myself to you. When I am at your place, I feel Home. Last night I admitted that home for me is a person not a place, What if you are my home. I really just want to go home. Would you take me home? In my dream I was with you and the way you stood behind me and embraced me just felt so real and vivid and beautiful and magical that I really felt that my soul was with yours that night. Stupid maybe, but what if it’s a sign that I won’t be able to let go yet. What if I want to believe that you are not ready yet to let go too. It’s my dream after all, so i am entitled to believe what I want it to be.
It broke my heart hearing your voice sounding desperate and I feel so stupid for feeling sorry for myself sometimes. It broke my heart, but I have to hide my pain, I have to hide my tears, as I cry a lot more than you think I do. I care deeply about you even if you don’t the same way I do. You deserve better than this situation, than this life. You deserve all the love and attention and success you could easily achieve. It’s just a shitty situation and luck. Only if people see you the way i see you through my eyes. Only if you see you through my eyes. You have this way of seeing yourself in a dark way, the way you push me away. You keep this shield around you, this heavy heart you carry around. But I see it, I see through it. The broken glasses inside your soul might not be fixed ever. The darkness you have sometimes is only an ancient history burried deep down, keeping you safe from the unknown. But what if there is a way for the light to come through, only if you let it in. Even if it will not be coming from my direction, you will get the time to shine, to be loved properly and to be at the place you deserve to be.
What if I found that someone to complete me, when I am not a follower nor a leader, but a companion for life. What if I am strong not because I want to be, but because I have to be, for me and you, and because I have you around.
At the end, I will be always around, whatever you need, a friend, and a good one, or whatever you want it to be named. Since labeling it or trying to find another name for it, does not change what it is for me. We dance around the one word that makes all the “What If” matters, the one word that makes sense for everything: A soulmate. That is what I found in you. I’ll listen to you, even when you don’t listen to me. I’m always at a drive away from you and for you, even when you aren’t. A simple “I miss you” and a hug will always help even when it’s my only “if” to my “what”
kawsarita 